


Tell Them I Remember You

by desperationandgin



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Castle Leoch, F/M, i'm sorry it's sad!!!!, no i'm not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 17:39:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19178194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desperationandgin/pseuds/desperationandgin
Summary: Set at some nebulous point duringDragon Fly in Amber, Claire visits Castle Leoch after remembering she may have left something behind.





	Tell Them I Remember You

Once I knew which direction to go, I’d never driven somewhere so quickly in my life. It was first light, and I was speeding like a mad woman toward the place where Castle Leoch still stood. A dream set me on my path, a recovered memory, and I had to see, I had to know. Could something truly survive all this time, undiscovered? If not found by whoever occupied my former surgery after my abrupt exit from Leoch, then by looters and eager tourists once the castle was abandoned.

Two-hundred and twenty-five years was a long time.

I had to park away from the property a bit and walked the rest of the way. Standing outside of what was left of the structure, I told myself it was dangerous, that I shouldn’t go inside. There could be all sorts of wildlife nesting there; not to mention crumbling stone ready to drop at the slightest change in pressure. 

I didn’t listen to myself.

Entering the dilapidated structure, I closed my eyes at the wave of memories that seemed as though they happened in a different life separate from the last twenty years.

_Trying to escape the night of the Gathering. Walloping Dougal with a stool right in this hallway_.

The hall was now half-crumbled, exposed to the elements. Hugging what wall there was, I made my way down the steps that led to another corridor. Here, lower, the castle was in a bit —but not much — better shape. Pulling out my flashlight, I stopped first at a door covered with vines and cobwebs. Pushing, I had to shove hard, four times before the door gave way, and I stumbled into the room with a cloud of dust. Closing my eyes for a moment, I slowly blinked them open and then looked around the chambers that were once Jamie and I’s marital bedroom. There was nothing left in it now, but I looked to my right where the vanity once sat, where I’d once situated myself while Jamie bent on one knee to beg my forgiveness. From there, my gaze dragged along the floor to the spot in front of the hearth.

_Ye are mine, mo nighean donn. Mine, now and forever._

Pressing a hand to my chest for a moment, I swallowed heavily. There on that floor, I’d let myself believe Jamie would always come for me. That if I stayed with him and stopped trying to leave, he would love me this fiercely forever. Banishing the invasive thought, I turned to leave the room, continuing onward and further down until I reached the surgery door. It still hung open from twenty-three years ago, when Frank and I forced it open. Now that I was here, my heart felt as though it might try to escape my chest. If _it_ was gone, was anything truly lost to me since I hadn’t thought of it before now? I wanted it to be there, my hope higher than it should have been, considering. Walking into the room after coming off the last step took me to a jumbling, confusing mesh of past and _further past_ memories.

Winding my way toward the cupboards that were still there ( _though empty_ ), I scanned for the clever little secret Beaton had left behind after his death.

_”What’s this, then?” Jamie had asked one afternoon as it stormed mercilessly outside. With everything washed out, he was able to spend the day with me, and I couldn’t say I minded._

_I’d turned my gaze to what he was fiddling with, a loose drawer at the end of the cabinets. “It’s been broken since I arrived here,” I noted, but he’d seemed unsure of my answer._

_“Nah, Sassenach. I dinna think it’s broken.”_

_I’d turned back to my own work to let him continue fiddling with it until I heard a quiet snapping sound and turned to look again. What I saw made my eyes widen. “Is that a--”_

_“Aye,” he’d interrupted. “‘Tis a false bottom to the drawer.”_

_He’d fixed the crooked bottom panel, and it’d slid into place easily within the wall of shelves._

My fingers moved over the dusty glass until I found what I was looking for: the drawer with the false bottom. With a bit of effort, I managed to get the drawer out of its slot and slowly, carefully turned it upside down. As soon as I opened it, I would know once and for all if one of my earliest gifts from Jamie could still be mine.

_We’d hurried through the corridors of Leoch, Jamie’s hand gripping mine tightly. Inside of my surgery, he’d proceeded to tell me Colum’s plan to send him away with Dougal, and my heart had sunk to my stomach. I ached to know that we would be separated for Christ knew how long._

_“I was finally able to get ye a proper wedding present, Sassenach,” Jamie’d admitted. “I wanted to give it to ye, special, but wi’ things changing, and so dangerous, I dinna feel I should wait.”_

_Before I’d been able to protest that all would be well and he would return to me, he’d pulled a beautiful pin out of his sporran — a brooch, of two silver, intertwining hearts topped with a crown. “I had word sent ahead to the smith to have this made for ye and ready upon our arrival.”_

_I hadn’t been able to believe it, stunned by the beauty of the piece. “What does it mean?” I’d been curious to know._

_“‘Tis a luckenbooth. Ye give it to your bride to symbolize love and loyalty.” His gaze had been soft and warm as his eyes moved over my face._

_I’d held the brooch in my fingers and realized then why we were in my surgery. “You want to hide it.”_

_“Aye; I dinna ken when I’ll return, and someone may take advantage of ye alone, try to steal such a fine piece from ye.”_

_I’d idly thought of Laoghaire at the time, but she’d been merely a passing thought. “I can wear it proudly when you’ve returned then?” I’d wondered aloud._

_He’d smiled at me and gave my lips a quick kiss. “Aye. Ye’ll never have cause to remove it again.”_

Wetting my lips, I looked down at the drawer in my hands and finally pressed. Instead of clicking open, the entire fragile thing shattered in my hands, going quickly to dust and splinters of wood. I dropped what remained in surprise before falling to my knees, reaching for what I knew I’d seen. That flash of silver. Once my fingers closed around it, I pulled it out of the rubble and stared, brushing away years of dry dust. Underneath, it was still as beautiful as ever.

I didn’t know what it was — if it was seeing it again or simply being somewhere I once was with Jamie — but there, on a floor covered in over a century of abandonment, I sobbed. I hadn’t allowed myself this in a long, long while. Not since Brianna was a newborn had I sobbed this way, begging for Jamie in the same breath I cursed him for making me do this without him. I didn’t hate him for it anymore. How could I, when I’d been able to watch our daughter blossom and grow while he’d died on a battlefield? Even though ( _regardless of Culloden_ ) he’d long been bones anyway, it hurt to know he’d died alone, without comfort. Without _me_. It was an ache I carried with me, always.

When I finally stood on shaky legs and dusted my trousers off, I clutched the brooch in one hand and prepared to leave before a slip of paper caught my eye. It was something old, parchment that was surprisingly not yellowed, and rolled tightly, as you would a scroll. It could only have been in the drawer and was likely some sort of salve ingredient list I’d written long ago. Waiting to open it, I made my way back out into the daylight, squinting before walking to the car and sitting inside. Once more, I stared at the brooch, this time in the light. It was as beautiful as I remembered from the one time I’d seen it before.

Setting it aside in the passenger seat, I finally unrolled the piece of paper to see what I’d written myself over two centuries ago. Reaching for my glasses, I slipped them on and began to read. As my eyes scanned the words, I felt myself turn impossibly cold, then hot all at once, as if my body couldn’t make up its mind. Once I began to shake, I fumbled to get the window down, taking deep lungfuls of air. It took a few long moments to believe what I was seeing and I read it again, slowly.

_Sassenach,_

_I wonder when you will discover my note? Perhaps if you do, you can leave me one in return?_

_When you do find this, let it make you smile to know on this day and the day you discover your surprise, I love you._

_Your faithful husband,_

_J._

It was his loopy handwriting, faded but _his_. It was almost as if I hadn’t cried at all as I dissolved into tears once more; this time, my shoulders heaved with the force of them. Everything we’d lost, everything we thought we still had when he wrote the note, shattered my heart. When Jamie wrote this, he thought we would begin a clever game; but instead, weeks later, I was telling him of time travel while on the run. We’d had so many plans, and lost all of them to time.

Once I pulled myself together, I realized the sun was high in the sky and glanced at my watch — just after noon. I still wanted to go into town and see if there were any records of Lallybroch, to see where the ownership wound up. I wanted to go _to_ Lallybroch; I wanted to go _home_. Taking a few deep breaths, I felt the first two tremble; but eventually, my breathing evened and I looked down at the brooch in the seat beside me.

It symbolized so much, once. One day, eventually, I would have to say goodbye to him.

“I love you too, Jamie Fraser.”

I spoke the words aloud to a ghost and knew that today wouldn’t be the day.


End file.
